Yabba DABA Dude

So why haven’t we heard from any DABA Dudes?  Aren’t there any other guys out there who totally get what these girls are going through?  I got laid off close to a year ago and let me tell you  life with my FGF has become brutal.

My FGF works “in M&A” at one of the most prestigious law firms in the world.  The poor girl hasn’t the slightest idea what is going on in half of the conference room she frequents, but she has spell checked the living sh*t out of that purchase agreement and she looked FABULOUS doing it.  Clearly, her linguistic expertise is why creepy married partners continually invite her to “client dinners.” 

Let’s backtrack.  $160k of her parents money for four years of college didn’t satiate my princess.  She couldn’t figure out what else to do with her inflated GPA, so she followed the other overachieving masses to law school.  Bon voyage to another 150k of mom and dad’s money.  Of course, she LOVES her job now.  “Bankers just do it for the money,” she proclaims barely audible from her high horse, “lawyers actually have expertise!”  So cute, especially in those knee high Louboutin boots.  As an ex-banker, I fail to see how three years of studying free speech classes makes her long hours of doing menial tasks more noble than mine.

Anyway, the first thing on my agenda this particular “morning” - it’s about noon - will be throwing on the bespoke suit she bought for me “for interviews” so I won’t look out of place at Bobby Van’s with my former coworkers who are still required to show up at the office on a daily basis.  My FGF is determined to date the best dressed man in Manhattan.  I’m all “Honey I don’t care if my tie is from Brooks Brothers,” and she’s all, “Nonsense! The fabric on this Hermes shirt does wonders for you,” and I’m all, “Whatevs,” but seriously, that Hermes looks effin’ great on me.

These threads come at price.  Little Miss Edits-A-Lot comes home all depressed every other week because her new best guy “friend” at the office got laid off, and it’s “soooo upsetting because he worked reeeeallyyyy hard.”  Yes dear, he worked really hard at not getting caught starring at your ass.

Now that I’m unemployed and she is supporting me, she expects me to be grateful for things I did not want  in the first place.  Case in point, my recent late arrival to the dinner that she made for me after working until 9pm.  “Why was I late?  It’s not like I’m doing anything all day?”  Oh no you didn’t sista’.  What exactly does she think I’m doing all day?  Sitting on the couch reading about all the deals that aren’t being made?  Hells no, I just had a 4 2/5 PERFECT Buckhunter rounds and this heartless hussy has NO interest in hearing about it!  And I’m just supposed to listen to how stressful her day was!

Sure her steady income has provided me with more hours of online video-gaming than any post-collegiate man could reasonably ask for, not to mention a sexy little GMAT tutor to pass my lonely afternoons with, but what am I supposed to do with the rest of my day?  Do not even say “get a job.”  Do you thing I hang out with the GMAT girl for fun?  You’re not the only one with ambitions sweetie!

There was a time “BR” as you girls so creatively labeled it, when she and I got along better than Danny and Rusty from Oceans 11 - she’d talk, I’d grunt, then we’d have sex.  She suddenly expects me to have meaningful conversations with her.  Clearly she’s suffering from some sort of identity crisis.

Right now, I wish I were still a banker, if only so I could find me a nice DABA Girl…