Standard operating procedure
Thursday night the crew rendezvoused at The Standard Bar and Grill. There were fashion colleagues to the right of our table, some entertainment folks in from the West coast to our far far right, some guy who claimed to have started and sold Skinny Cow to Nestle to the left (and if you’re reading this Skinny Cow man, thanks for the three rounds of drinks and if you’re interested in a tax deductible contribution to the out-of-work fashion editor fund please contact me at dabagirls.com), and faux rapper guys in between lobbing fries at our table. Before the night turned into a veritable 6th grade cafeteria our conversation focused on a new plight affecting serial dating DABAs everywhere.
DABA Girl #1: “Am I the only one who’s having a significantly harder time maintaining my five boyfriend minimum now that there are half as many banks? I found out the other day that two of my guys with preferred FBF status are now working at the same bank slash hedge fund slash investment firm.”
DABA Girl #2: “Ugh, I know! When Bear Stearns was bought out by Barclays I had to hand out more pink slips than Bear Stearns.”
DABA Girl #3: “This is just a hypothetical, I mean, I’m just putting this out there, but have you ever considered not dating soooo many people at once? I mean, this could be contributing to your trust issues.”
DABA Girl #1: “Did you just call me a slut?”
DABA Girl #2: “She def just called you a slutski.”
DABA Girl #1: “I don’t know what you’re laughing at ho-bag she was talking about you too.”
DABA Girl #3: “No- well maybe- but all I’m saying is that you gotta keep your s**t tight.”
DABA Girl #1: “OMG, did you just call me fat??”
DABA Girl #2: “She did, you really should try this coffee, lemon juice, Claritin diet I’ve been on.”
DABA Girl #3: “Jesus, no! What I’m saying is that when there is an economic downturn such as the one that we’re currently experiencing, maybe it would be best to similarly downsize some of your investments.”
DABA Girl #1: “See I think we’re coming from different schools of thought on this one, I was trying to diversify. And I don’t have trust issues, I have trust fund issues, as in, I don’t have one.”
DABA Girl #2: “How long have you been waiting to use that pun?”
DABA Girl #1: “I’m sorry, are you heckling my conversation? I will straight-”
DABA Girl #2: “Ignore me, I’m in a sex coma, I’m so mellowed out that I’ve lost the ability to care about other females. Don’t worry I should regain feeling in a day or two.”
DABA Girl #3: “Ladies, let me tell you a little ditty about a DABA Girl, that DABA Girl being me, whose luck recently ran out… It all began one dark and stormy night in San Francisco. I was there recovering from a broken heart when-“
DABA Girl #2: “Correction, it’s more like your heart was broken, then got run-over by a semi while a troop of stiletto wearing plus size models pranced down it like it was a catwalk.”
DABA Girl #3: “Eff off sexpot. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was meeting a blind date. Not just any blind date. A blind date set up by a famous Bay Area matchmaker. There’s a year waiting list to see her. You have to fill out a twelve-page application, swear on the bible that you’re ready for a serious committed monogamous relationship and not dating anyone else, and if she successfully sets you up with your future husband you’ll hand over your first born baby. Now, I of course agreed to all this because I’m twenty-seven and my pre-injectible years are quickly coming to a close.”
DABA Girl #2: “Correction, your pre-injectible years ended two years ago.”
DABA Girl #3: “Lies.”
DABA Girl #2: “Bulls**t, let us all see you try to raise your eyebrows.”
DABA Girl #3: “I have migraines, it’s for a medical condition, and friendship over.
As we all know, old habits die hard. At dinner my blind date started to talk about all the business that he does in New York. Suddenly I put two and two together. I was pretty sure my NYC FBF also worked in the M & A section of the same bank of my blind date.
At this point the waiter asked if anything was wrong with my untouched baby duck breast and fois gras appetitizer. I still rue the moment that I let him take it away.
My throat closed and my cheeks turned a deep, typically tequila shot induced shade of rouge. I had to ask him. I chugged my light on the juice, well-shaken cosmo and outright inquired as to if he knew my other FBF. And by outright I mean I identified my NYC FBF as my best friend’s ex-boyfriend (fyi DABITs, typically a fool proof alibi). Without hesitation he responded “Oh yeah! I love that dude, we talk like five times a day. He’s killing it right now in our fantasy football league.”
I feigned swine flu and left before dessert. Needless-to-say the matchmaker has banned me from future matches until I can get my philandering ways under control. The whole incident was très unfortunate.”
DABA Girl #1: “Très”
DABA Girl #2: “I hope you didn’t tell your blind date that you write a blog.”
DABA Girl #3: “What, do you think I’m smoking the true crack rock?”
DABA Girl #2: “You never know with you.”
DABA Girl #1: “You’re banned from coming to dinner post coitis.”
DABA Girl #2: “Fair enough.”
DABA Girl #1: “Am I the only one who thinks like blogging is sooooo first quarter 2009?”
Tags: Amy Anderson, Dr. Perricone, The Standard Bar and Grill
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Gorgeous Monday morning post! Some circles are just way too close knit to date within safely. Eventually we’ll all go government. Of course, there are those that say even though the government is in a real estate boom (where I work anyway), there is the possibility of yet another upcoming repeat offense of downsizing the public service.
Seriously though … throwing fries? Were they drinking milkshakes out of Oreo straws too?
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Dating several finance guys isn’t diversification. You’re playing the law of large numbers. Sure they might get laid off, but what are the odds all of them will? That’s not diversification.
If you want real diversification, you have to date people in multiple industries that don’t all share the same fate in a recession or bubble burst. Here’s what your list should look more like:
1. Banker or trader (or other toolish finance guy you can use as supplemental income)
2. Lawyer working in intellectual property or trust and estates (avoid all other practice areas, as they just breed neurotic, personality devoid drones)
3. Physicist or mathematician (these guys will make the lawyers and bankers who you thought were brilliant look like they shouldn’t even be trusted with safety scissors)
4. Doctor (no surgeons, and pick one the same way you’d pick a doctor who’s actually treating you, good school, board certified, and if in his home you can’t quickly find a recent medical journal, dump him)
5. Entrepreneur (someone who is both smart and creative, not just a tool who’s spending his daddy’s money, and real estate doesn’t count)Avoid guys who don’t recognize value. Even if they make a lot of money, it’ll slip through their fingers. Avoid guys who go to over priced restaurants, are label whores, or who order Johnnie Blue (there are scotches that are much better and cheaper) or order a bottled Corona, Bud, Coors, etc when there are drafts available (doubly true if the place serves 20oz drafts). Go for the guy who likes Gray’s Papaya, Schnitzel & Things, or Ippudo.
If a guy can’t recognize value in any other area of life, he won’t recognize it in you, and that’ll set you up for the next round of layoffs.
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Dear dabas, bad economy or good, i think when dealing with grade A quality FBF’s, the world is way too small regardless. Power players, know power players. Either they work with each other, or against each other. For the same firm, or on opposite sides of the negotiation table.
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one of my favorites posts!
Daba Girl #1 is right though.. blogging is sooo passe. However… I do love the updates every so often.
and I hate to admit it.. that right now.. it is QUANTITY over Quality. However I have one Perfect 10 that I’ve been seeing for months, and if he said the word, I’d cut it off with the others. Just stick to the plan… and we’ll all come out on top!
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Wise wise words BL1Y
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Such a great post! As a new Linx Dating member woo hoo I made it in… I thought I was rejected when I didn’t hear back for a week. So after reading this blog, I am wondering how the blind date was DABA #3? Did you see him again? Was he a hottie? Do tell! I went out with my first match- a banker dude. I don’t know if wedding bells are a ringing- he seemed kind of stressed….time will tell? I think I will call Amy Andersen for some advice.
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