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THE SCENE: A 20-something year olds girl’s apartment, with clothing hanging from the rafters- a tell tale sign of a woman in crisis, who is not going to be where she said she’d be when she said she would be there. Mona is frantically changing outfits when I let myself into her apartment. Me: “What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at the Ace Hotel. I knew your “En route” text message was a ruse!” Women are emotionally porous and the anxiety in the room is palpable to us both. I look at Mona and we both let out a scream: “AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Mona’s cat makes a beeline for the nearest exit. She’s in heat and our estrogen levels were far too high for her. Mona: “I’m freaking out!” Me: “You can’t be having a freak out because I’m freaking out. Why are you freaking out?” Mona: “Probably because all I consumed today was a lethal combination of Starbucks, Orthotricyclen, and Jujubes — which prompted the realization that I prematurely cut my B-String boyfriends out of the picture.” Me: “Why in the name of God would you ever get rid of your B-string?!? That’s just reckless.” Mona: “Well, when I lied and told my therapist that I was doing as she instructed and making myself emotionally available by just dating one person, she was so proud of me that I felt like maybe it was actually a good idea.” Me: “I don’t get it- why would you lie to your therapist?” Mona: “Helllooo, I’m in therapy because I have approval issues. I’ll say anything if it means acceptance” Me: “So let me get this straight- you dumped boyfriends #2 through #8- the only thing giving you your edge- over boyfriend #1?” Mona: “I know, rookie mistake. Now tell me why you spent the last three hours trying on everything in your closet and starring at yourself in the mirror in self loathing downward spiral.” Me: “I broke up with Nelson- or he broke up with me. The details are not important, but what is important is that I have been layering on the self-tanner ever since!” Mona: “OK, OK. EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! This can all be solved by gratuitous male attention from some randoms. We need to go out ASAP!” IN CAB: Cruisin’ up Washington Street back to the Standard. Me: “Cabbie, pull over!” I try to jump out of the cab and make a run for it. Mona grabs me by the collar before I can get out of the cab. Mona: “What are you a teenage runaway? Get back in the cab!” Me: “I’m in no state to flirt. Trust me, you’re better off alone. I’m a liability.” Mona: “OK OK. EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! Now, who’s the best wing woman ever?” Me: “I am…” Mona: “Who gets more phone numbers than you?” Me: “No one…” Mona: “And who’s going to wrangle in a new boyfriend tonight?” Me: “Dude, I’m only going to attract bottom feeders tonight, I reek of desperation.” Mona: “That’s not desperation you’re smelling, that’s self tanner.” Me: “OMG, you’re right. Self-tanner is the smell of desperation!” END SCENE
TO BE CONTINUED…. |
