Dear DABAs,
I am a young, southern belle DABIT confused and discouraged with my past failures of snagging my very own FBF. I’m in great need of sage wisdom from my more experienced sisters.
It’s been the same story every time- I meet a guy, he’s attracted to me initially, calling and emailing me, dates ensue. But then, soon after, they stop asking to hang out, stop contacting me, and in the end, I’m left in the dark, wondering what had happened.
At first I thought it was maybe the age; they were still young and noncommittal. However, I just found out recently that one of them has settled down into a serious relationship!
I know your philosophy is: there’s nothing wrong w/ you, it’s “their loss” but after multiple failures, I can’t help but to wonder if I will be forever doomed.
I’m smart, sweet, attractive, and fun, and I’ve tried every trick in the book and nothing seems to work.
Are you sisters born with a special mutated gene, a god-given birthright that is needed to turn these finance boys into FBFs or is there still some secrets left that can change my streak of misfortune?
I know I have a lot to learn and I am patient and willing to go through the whole training process. I also recognize that some of the learning can only be grasped through experience. Therefore, I want to take this summer to really refine and improve myself to becoming one step closer into a true DABA.
Any tips or must-dos you can provide to nurture your little DABITS?
S Belle
Dear S Belle,
We applaud your commitment and desire to graduate from DABIT to DABA. So much so that we skipped Taco Tuesday at Rewind and Eugene Remm and Mark Birnbaum’s annual bday bash at Tenjune to compose this post. Below please find the five-step process to total DABA enlightenment. It’s not exactly FDA approved, actually we have no idea if it works at all (did you read It All Started When…?), but we feel like this should do the trick.
Step 1: Lose five lbs, get your nails did and your hair did too. Buy yourself something that will make you feel like the hottest thang since Adriana Lima on the Victoria Secret runway.
Step 2: Buy a pair of horse blinders. Put them on and do not take them off until we say so. These will keep you looking at any of the loser boys you’re hanging out with right now. You need to keep your eye on the prize.
Step 3: Go to your closest Barnes and Noble or library (be careful crossing streets with your blinders on). Get the following books:
-The Rules. Read it cover to cover. Yes it’s a little dated but until our revamped version gets published it will have to do.
-The Manual. If you don’t have a brother this is a must read.
-Why Him Why Her? This book is fascinating and will help you weed out all the FBFs that aren’t right for you.
The above books will thoroughly put you off to men for a while, at least long enough for us to get you to realize your DABA power (which is really what this is all about).
Step 4: Go back to the library. Exchange all the retarded self-books we just prescribed for below.
-What Color is Your Parachute? The key to DABA enlightenment is to realize that this is all about you. Your self-help research is not about figuring out how to get a guy back, it’s about refocusing the attention to you.
-Are Men Necessary? The text within isn’t terribly groundbreaking but by repeating the title over and over you will start to understand how inconsequential men are and how it’s quite possible that the conspiracy theories in The Da Vinci Code might actually be true.
-The Female Brain. Our current obsession.
Step 5: Read the New York Times every day- front to back (although be particularly wary of anything you read about dating blogs- they’ve been known to get some facts wrong).
We’re guessing that by the time you’ve finished steps 1-5 it’s going to be close to the end of the summer and you’ll be cursing us for having just wasted your entire break that could have been spent at the beach unsuccessfully throwing yourself at boys. But trust us, you are now eons ahead of all the other DABITs out there. It’s all about realizing that you little DABIT hold the cards. The second that you truly believe this all the boys are going to come a running.
(Feel free to repeat Step 1 throughout the summer. Looking great never hurt anyone.)
xo
The DABA Girls
